java janie’s Neighborhood

A friend of mine challenged me, yesterday, to remember that my story hasn't been written yet.  It has gotten me thinking. 
Actually a lot of things have gotten me thinking.
What is my story? What is my dream?
I admit, I've been fairly myopic over the past number of years, and I know why, to some extent.  Part of it was the journey I was on; part of it was because I don't trust hope, finding it a very dangerous commodity when your heart is fragile; but mostly because I don't really know what/who I want to be when I 'grow up'.
Moving to England has been a big desire for me for a while, not news to most of you, but it has, in many ways, been an excuse to remain stagnant.  As a result I'm often the one who can be relied on to cover the bases, to pick up the pieces, to bring support, and sacrifice, and deep inside I've been crying "What about me?  Can anyone see the me beyond what I can do?"
I'm beginning to realize that this is, in many ways, my fault.  I have allowed myself to come to this place because I've forgotten how to dream. I've forgotten that there could be more to my life than a potential move.
I've really done a good job taking on other people's dreams, almost convincing myself that they're mine.  I've gotten passionate about things that I long to see happen, because I need to be passionate, but none of them are things I can take ownership of. I've even gone so far as to ask my siblings "If I went back to college, what do you think I should study?"
The truth of the matter is, I could do many things well, I could have a smörgåsbord of options, however, Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
Just because I can, doesn't mean it's mine.
What's my dream?  Do I even know how to dream any more? I can't continue to appropriate others' dreams and be happy, it doesn't work that way.
I've also realized something else. 
I've got to stop trying to not be a trailblazer.  This is me. I think I've been joining with other people's vision because I don't want to embrace that I am to be a pioneer.  I've experienced a fair amount of pain on that part of the journey so far, and so therefore, subconsciously, I've backed away from leadership of this sort because I am tired of pain.
I think I realized that running from who I am causes pain too. 
It's good to have this realization, but I don't even know where to go from here.  How do I start to dream again?  How do I stop viewing hope as dangerous?  How do I stir the waters?  How do I step out as a leader again, but on my terms, on God's terms, and not as I'm expected to?
I haven't a clue, but staying here isn't an option.  It's killing me.

Heard about this new group that posts 13 things every Friday and I figured I'd try it.  So this week's topic is 13 things that I'm happy/excited about...

1)  My upcoming vacation--I'm off Monday-Friday and I'll be back in the 'bury for a few days of hanging out with friends and family, sleeping and eating those glorious seafood skins from Market Street.  And since I'll be at Market Street anyway, the odds of me partaking of a martini or three?  Very good indeed.

2)  Next Tuesday (the 27th), Jen will be on Jeopardy.  I feel like it's been so long since I saw the taping, and I'm excited to watch the episode again.  (I'll be at work but I'm DVRing it--how awesome is it that I can watch it every time I miss her?!)

3)  This week, I get to watch season finales of all my shows.  It's sad that after Thursday, they'll all be gone, but meanwhile?  Two hours of Desperate Housewives and Grey's, plus a usual-sized farewell to Gossip Girl, OTH and How I Met Your Mother.  Oh, my cup runneth over.

4)  And since the regular season is over, that means that we're getting really close to the return of Weeds and Big Love.  And if you know me at all, you know that the return of Weeds is worth anything. :) 

5)  I'm doing really well on the DVD project.  I've only watched 32 movies, but I've watched the special features for over 200 movies.  (201, if we're being specific.)  So far, almost everything has been really, really fun.  I've also amused myself by doing the singalong features on My Best Friend's Wedding and The Wedding Singer. 

6)  I only have to deal with one more sweeps story (on Monday).  And then we don't do sweeps again until November.  To which I say "huzzah."

7)  There are so many good books to read out now.  I have a huge amount to read, and I'm falling behind (thank you, DVD project) but I'm doing the best I can.  I plan on taking a whole bunch back to Salisbury with me and maybe I can get caught up.  (Of course, I'm also bringing my portable DVD player and some movies, so we'll see which wins.)

8)  Amazon's awesome TV on DVD sale.  I just bought seasons 3 and 4 of Melrose Place for $10 less than normal.  For the unitiated, season 3 is the one where we meet Brooke and where Kimberly kidnaps Jo's baby, then goes even crazier and blows up the apartment complex and season 4 is the one where Brooke dies and where Kimberly...well, goes back to her usual semblance of sanity.  I also have the first three seasons of 90210 (the high school years) and I have to decide if I want to keep going with the series.  The first three seasons are the best, but I'm a completist and also, I love Susan and Claire.

9)  Speaking of 90210, I am very excited about the fact that the CW has a spinoff of it in their fall lineup. AND that Kelly (and maybe Donna) will be involved. :)  My childhood self is doing cartwheels. 

10)  There is actually food in my kitchen.  This is a minor miracle, because generally there's only popcorn, water and soda here.  But now?  There's food.  I have apples and pears, sandwich stuff, frozen dinners, meat to cook...it's almost an embarrassment of riches here. :)  Also there's salt and vinegar Pringles and, for the various season finales, ice cream.  It's awesome. :)

11)  We are approaching (very slowly) the August horror con.  Spending time with Katie is always fun but this time I get to meet Chris Sarandon and Michael Biehn and every time I think about it, I spaz out a little. 

12)  And by the time we get to the horror con, I will have read Breaking Dawn, the last Twilight novel.  And I probably will have cried at least twice.  (And if Edward doesn't turn Bella into a vampire, I am calling shenanigans on all of it.)

13)  Still totally gobsmacked in the best possible way by the Office finale.  I love that show. 

Why, oh why do I always scrub the kitchen to within an inch of it's life and then cook dinner? Why don't I ever cook dinner and then clean the kitchen to within an inch of it's life so I can enjoy it for a while? I'm an idiot.

After living through the coldest wettest April on record in 100 years, and a week of damp, wet, foggy weather, it's going to be 84 and sunny here in Seattle.

Enjoy your Friday. I'll be waiting for what I hope to be a beautiful sunset.

************************************************************

"I really like sunsets. Let's go look at one now..."
    "But we have to wait..."
"What for?"
    "For the sun to set."
    At first you seemed quite surprised, and then you laughed at yourself. And you said to me, "I think I'm still at home!"
    Indeed. When it's noon in the United States, the sun, as everyone knows, is setting over France. If you could fly to France in one minute, you could watch the sunset. Unfortunately, France is much too far. But on your tiny planet, all you had to do was move your chair a few feet. And you would watch the twilight whenever you wanted to...
"One day I saw the sun set forty-four times!"
And a little later you added, "You know, when you're feeling very sad, sunsets are wonderful..."
    "On the day of forty-four times, were you feeling very sad?"
But the little prince didn't answer.

I think I got about four hours of sleep last night, so these might be interesting, and not in altogether good way, but rather a sleep-deprived, random, scattered way.

Anyway.

1.  I'm watching Regis and Kelly, and they've got this 11-year-old math genius. I'm all about fostering intelligence in one's kids and encouraging advanced education, etc. That's precisely why, if I have kids, I'm going to homeschool them. (Well that, and the fact that I don't want the liberal-choked teacher's unions to warp their brains.) However, I think the parents of kids such as this 11-year-old math whiz are doing them a great disservice by not teaching them social skills. I'm not saying they should be all pop-culturally oriented or whatever. However, they should be able to carry on a freaking conversation and be able to, I don't know, emote. Seriously. This kid was a robot. Jimmy Kimmel (guest-hosting) and Kelly were being friendly and funny and asking him different questions, and he barely responded. Never cracked a smile or really even changed expression. It was kind of pathetic.

2.  I watched Grey's Anatomy last night because I forgot to cancel my Season Pass and honestly, I can't believe that a couple weeks ago, I was absolutely raving about its post-strike return and yet last night was ridiculous and uneven and pandering and did I mention ridiculous? It's pretty sad when a show I used to revere for its characterization has painted normal, sweet, emotionally stable characters like Lexie and Rose as being somehow, I don't know, abnormal or, in Rose's case, almost villainous. Cristina behaved so out of character last night I almost didn't recognize her. Don't get me started on the stupid, unrealistic and insipid Callie-Hahn storyline. The writers ruined what was an awesome storyline -- and Emmy-worthy performance by Elizabeth Reaser -- when they took the Rebecca-Alex story down the  ill-fated soap opera path it's on. I'm so glad Reaser is getting her own show in The Ex List next season, and am even more excited that she'll be playing Esme Cullen in Twilight come December. Steve Betz and I commiserated on the decline of Grey's recently and he made a point that I whole-heartedly agree with: the decline started as soon as the writers started trying to tell the stories of too many characters. Sloane, Callie, the despicable Hahn, even the Chief and Bailey -- they're minor, supporting characters. Frankly, I could care less about their personal lives. Perhaps Steve's best point was that Bailey was always the rock and I loved her unshakable, "at work" mentality and how she was such a stabilizing force for the interns/residents. Now that isn't the case. I don't want to see her fall apart. Anyway, I find I just don't care about this show anymore. At all. And though there are no details forthcoming, if ABC president Steve MacPherson's comments (and the analysis of those comments) are to be believed, Shonda's planning some drastically different directions for the show next season that nobody is all that enthused about. I'm glad to be getting off the train before it derails.

3.  The Office finale was probably the best episode of its season, and maybe the best since "Casino Night." I loved it and didn't even notice that it was an hour -- and I'm one of those who believe super-sized episodes are too much of a good thing. The cold open was HILARIOUS, and my obsession love for Jim Halpert (and John Krasinski) has been heightened. If that is possible. (Is cloning really so immoral if it's used for good -- namely so that Cori and I can both have him?) I wasn't spoiled, but I figured that Jim and Pam wouldn't get engaged, only because we knew it was coming, and so how would it be a surprise or somehow shocking if it happened in the finale? I am so glad the writers have fixed Pam because as I've said before, my love for her has returned to Season 1 and 2 levels and I'm happy to forget Season 3 Pam. Also, how great is Amy Ryan as the very Michael-like Holly? I look forward to seeing more of her next season.

4.  The penultimate episode of Bones was beyond awesome. Best this season, and that's saying a lot, because Bones is one of those shows that -- almost non-traditionally -- has gotten better with each season. I am regularly amazed at how frakking funny David Boreanaz is. His comic timing is unbelievable. And it goes without saying that his chemistry with Emily Deschanel is fantastic. I am so excited that John Francis Daley has been brought on as a regular cast member instead of just recurring. It's so weird to see him all grown up after watching him as the tiny, adorable Sam Weir on Freaks and Geeks, and I now have a ginormous crush on him. He's so very Acronym-y.

5.  The first part of the House finale -- "House's Head" -- was phenomenal. As with Bones, best this season, even topping the awesome post-Super Bowl episode. Hugh Laurie is bound to get yet another Golden Globe and Emmy nomination for this performance alone, and gee, maybe he'll even win the Emmy this time. It's long past due. The man is brilliant. Also, as an unimportant aside, I can never call Thirteen by her real name. The first and last names don't go together. At all. And her first name is...weird. So yeah. Thirteen it is.

6.  No, I haven't watched the first part of Lost's three-part finale, because there's just the little matter of the four previous episodes I still have to watch. And I know, as always, I'm setting myself up to be spoiled -- and I already know a couple of things -- but I'm looking forward to diving face-first into, like, five (what better be) spectacular hours of the best show on television.

7.  If you didn't see my previous post, you must check out the bits of Fringe and Dollhouse that have leaked. They both look awesome -- especially Fringe -- and I expect Fringe alone to replace a woefully derailed Heroes as the sci-fi cult show of the moment. It could possibly reach Lost heights.

8.  And because I wouldn't be my obsessive self without a mention, I thought I'd post a yummy Edward Cullen picture. Because last night in my four hours of sleep, I dreamed that he turned me into a vampire. It was...lovely, and I definitely didn't want to wake up. Would that any boy (especially one this dreamy) look at me like this...

................and lunch, and supper, and snack.  What?  I don't want it to go to waste!

I'll stop looking into reduction surgery now that I know. Bummer..I was hoping they could help me out with the perk factor while they were at it.

I switched purses last night. I only do that once or twice a year because I tend to fall in love with a purse and keep it until I fall in love with the next one. Well, I fell in love with the next one last winter but had to wait until it was warm to switch over. You can see why...

So the other day I mentioned that I went to this incredible little coffee place in Spring Hill called Utopia Coffee and the latte I had was so amazing. Really, it was better than Starbucks. As I was thinking about it later, actually kind of dreaming about it, I realized something else. I didn't ask for it "non-fat" which I ALWAYS do and have done for several years now. It's occurred to me that besides using superior coffee the fattiness of the regular milk most likely added to the deliciousness of the brew. So since I drink lattes not even once a week now that I'm pregnant, I'm no longer going to deprive myself of the tasty goodness of whole milk lattes. I just though you all should know about this important revelation in my life. You may now continue on with whatever it is that you are doing.

Tagged by typinginboldprint.

The rules:

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment on their blog and tell them they’ve been tagged, and to come back and read your blog for the whole story

I forget what I've already shared with people so I apologize in advance if you've already heard some of this. 

 

1. I have never taken any type of illegal drug or substance.

2. I've only been drunk once. (I'm a fast learner that hangovers are not fun)!

3. I'm allergic to metal so can't wear most jewelry, just the real stuff ;)

4. I don't have armpit hair, nor does my mom. Jealous?

5. I've had asthma since I was 3 and my lung collapsed.

6. I was a 1st chair percussionist for 4 years.

7. I'm terrified of praying aloud in a group because I'm really bad at it.

8. I've never been in a tanning booth (not do I plan to).

 

I tag Amy Sue, Gndsgang, leppardfreak aka Leann, Marie, SandyU, sixweasels, Steve Betz, and Tamzen.