A friend of mine challenged me, yesterday, to remember that my story hasn't been written yet. It has gotten me thinking.
Actually a lot of things have gotten me thinking.
What is my story? What is my dream?
I admit, I've been fairly myopic over the past number of years, and I know why, to some extent. Part of it was the journey I was on; part of it was because I don't trust hope, finding it a very dangerous commodity when your heart is fragile; but mostly because I don't really know what/who I want to be when I 'grow up'.
Moving to England has been a big desire for me for a while, not news to most of you, but it has, in many ways, been an excuse to remain stagnant. As a result I'm often the one who can be relied on to cover the bases, to pick up the pieces, to bring support, and sacrifice, and deep inside I've been crying "What about me? Can anyone see the me beyond what I can do?"
I'm beginning to realize that this is, in many ways, my fault. I have allowed myself to come to this place because I've forgotten how to dream. I've forgotten that there could be more to my life than a potential move.
I've really done a good job taking on other people's dreams, almost convincing myself that they're mine. I've gotten passionate about things that I long to see happen, because I need to be passionate, but none of them are things I can take ownership of. I've even gone so far as to ask my siblings "If I went back to college, what do you think I should study?"
The truth of the matter is, I could do many things well, I could have a smörgåsbord of options, however, Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
Just because I can, doesn't mean it's mine.
What's my dream? Do I even know how to dream any more? I can't continue to appropriate others' dreams and be happy, it doesn't work that way.
I've also realized something else.
I've got to stop trying to not be a trailblazer. This is me. I think I've been joining with other people's vision because I don't want to embrace that I am to be a pioneer. I've experienced a fair amount of pain on that part of the journey so far, and so therefore, subconsciously, I've backed away from leadership of this sort because I am tired of pain.
I think I realized that running from who I am causes pain too.
It's good to have this realization, but I don't even know where to go from here. How do I start to dream again? How do I stop viewing hope as dangerous? How do I stir the waters? How do I step out as a leader again, but on my terms, on God's terms, and not as I'm expected to?
I haven't a clue, but staying here isn't an option. It's killing me.
I feel the need to blog about this because it's something that's really been bugging me. I'm so tired of reading about how some Idol winners are successful and some 'bombed'. I read today something to the effect of 'can a male Idol winner actually succeed?' Which is obviously a reference to Ruben and Taylor's utter failure as artists. I AM NOT just writing this because Ruben and Taylor are from my hometown, I'm writing this because it seems that people have got the wrong idea of what winning American Idol really means.
The winner of American Idol gets some good stuff: They get a 1,000,000 recording contract with 19. They get to carry the banner of reigning Idol for one year and also get to wear the title of Idol winner for the rest of their lives. They gain a tremendous amount of notoriety and fame. But that's about it folks! Beyond that it's still a big question mark!
Winning American Idol is a catalyst but it doesn't ensure tremendous success. There are many factors that come into play. In America to be deemed 'successful' in the music business you have to fit into a certain genre and mold and make waves on the Billboard charts. But what if your music doesn't neatly fit into a mainstream genre?
Here's a brief rundown of the winners and how they have fared:
Kelly Clarkson - she's a mainstream pop music wet dream and has gone from Idol to achieve international fame and the record sales to back it up.
Ruben Studdard - his roots were in R & B and Christian music. He's recorded albums in both of these genres. He's been on Broadway. Here at home, he used his fame and his own money to start a music foundation for under-privileged children in the Birmingham area. He has a huge legion of fans. He's not mainstream but how can you say that's he's not been successful? Before Idol he was playing local joints in Birmingham with his former band 'Just a Few Cats'. Nobody knew his name. Has he achieved success since Idol? You betcha!
Fantasia Barrino - what better story of success could you possibly write? A poor, teenage Mother who was functionally illiterate and living in poverty won American Idol, has recorded several R & B albums, wrote a book, recorded a Lifetime movie and appeared on Broadway. Is she mainstream? No. Has she achieved success? Definitely!
Carrie Underwood - she's been tremendously successful across several genres. Although her main genre is country, Jesus Takes the Wheel crossed over into Christian and Before He Cheats crossed over into pop. Everything she touches turns to gold platinum!
Taylor Hicks - his album played in the adult contemporary genre but Taylor is really more of a blues singer. He didn't quite fit anywhere on Billboards fabulous charts. He has lent his name and his fame to so many good causes here at home and when I heard him sing the National Anthem at Talladega a few weeks ago it was absolutely perfect and flawless. Taylor has a huge fan base called the Soul Patrol and they are loyal and dedicated to him. Taylor has recently joined the cast of Grease on Broadway as the Teen Angel. Before Idol Taylor lived in a little apartment just a couple of miles from where I live. He worked at some everyday job and played joints at night with his band. Nobody knew his name. Is he successful now compared to then? Absolutely.
Jordin Sparks - she's still just out of the gates but has had a couple of her songs played on mainstream pop radio which by some standards makes her successful. It's really too soon to tell how she will fare in the long run. But I say again, before Idol she was a teenager going to high school and working in a mall. Is she successful now? Absolutely.
American Idol is nothing more than a glorified talent show judged by America. When someone wins it gives them advantages they didn't have before winning. It doesn't guarantee them worldwide success in the mainstream music world. Some hit it big where people think big is. But they all are successful compared to their pre-Idol careers. And if the winner doesn't achieve that media glorified success that DOESN'T mean that the wrong person won or anything like that. Many people on Idol who DIDN'T win have gone on to achieve great success. Idol is about opportunity and notoriety. That's what it lends to these hopeful artists. Where they go post-Idol depends upon many factors and also a little bit of luck. Making it in mainstream music is very difficult, Idol winner or not!
When I see guys who write down a few words, hang some chains around their necks, add a few drums and talk some trash and then get a recording contract when they can't even carry a tune in a bucket, that is when I think the word 'success' is used inappropriately, but not when referring to an American Idol winner.
You take any winner of American Idol and hand them a song and ask them to sing it acapella they will sing it, and they will sing it well because they have talent.
At the mall
Heard about this new group that posts 13 things every Friday and I figured I'd try it. So this week's topic is 13 things that I'm happy/excited about...
1) My upcoming vacation--I'm off Monday-Friday and I'll be back in the 'bury for a few days of hanging out with friends and family, sleeping and eating those glorious seafood skins from Market Street. And since I'll be at Market Street anyway, the odds of me partaking of a martini or three? Very good indeed.
2) Next Tuesday (the 27th), Jen will be on Jeopardy. I feel like it's been so long since I saw the taping, and I'm excited to watch the episode again. (I'll be at work but I'm DVRing it--how awesome is it that I can watch it every time I miss her?!)
3) This week, I get to watch season finales of all my shows. It's sad that after Thursday, they'll all be gone, but meanwhile? Two hours of Desperate Housewives and Grey's, plus a usual-sized farewell to Gossip Girl, OTH and How I Met Your Mother. Oh, my cup runneth over.
4) And since the regular season is over, that means that we're getting really close to the return of Weeds and Big Love. And if you know me at all, you know that the return of Weeds is worth anything. :)
5) I'm doing really well on the DVD project. I've only watched 32 movies, but I've watched the special features for over 200 movies. (201, if we're being specific.) So far, almost everything has been really, really fun. I've also amused myself by doing the singalong features on My Best Friend's Wedding and The Wedding Singer.
6) I only have to deal with one more sweeps story (on Monday). And then we don't do sweeps again until November. To which I say "huzzah."
7) There are so many good books to read out now. I have a huge amount to read, and I'm falling behind (thank you, DVD project) but I'm doing the best I can. I plan on taking a whole bunch back to Salisbury with me and maybe I can get caught up. (Of course, I'm also bringing my portable DVD player and some movies, so we'll see which wins.)
8) Amazon's awesome TV on DVD sale. I just bought seasons 3 and 4 of Melrose Place for $10 less than normal. For the unitiated, season 3 is the one where we meet Brooke and where Kimberly kidnaps Jo's baby, then goes even crazier and blows up the apartment complex and season 4 is the one where Brooke dies and where Kimberly...well, goes back to her usual semblance of sanity. I also have the first three seasons of 90210 (the high school years) and I have to decide if I want to keep going with the series. The first three seasons are the best, but I'm a completist and also, I love Susan and Claire.
9) Speaking of 90210, I am very excited about the fact that the CW has a spinoff of it in their fall lineup. AND that Kelly (and maybe Donna) will be involved. :) My childhood self is doing cartwheels.
10) There is actually food in my kitchen. This is a minor miracle, because generally there's only popcorn, water and soda here. But now? There's food. I have apples and pears, sandwich stuff, frozen dinners, meat to cook...it's almost an embarrassment of riches here. :) Also there's salt and vinegar Pringles and, for the various season finales, ice cream. It's awesome. :)
11) We are approaching (very slowly) the August horror con. Spending time with Katie is always fun but this time I get to meet Chris Sarandon and Michael Biehn and every time I think about it, I spaz out a little.
12) And by the time we get to the horror con, I will have read Breaking Dawn, the last Twilight novel. And I probably will have cried at least twice. (And if Edward doesn't turn Bella into a vampire, I am calling shenanigans on all of it.)
13) Still totally gobsmacked in the best possible way by the Office finale. I love that show.
Why, oh why do I always scrub the kitchen to within an inch of it's life and then cook dinner? Why don't I ever cook dinner and then clean the kitchen to within an inch of it's life so I can enjoy it for a while? I'm an idiot.
I haven't had business cards since I've worked for my current company. They're free, but I've just never bothered to ask for them. Today I my supervisor told me he put some business cards on my desk. That's not so bad, I thought, because there have been a couple of occasions where it would have been convenient to have them. I went back to my to my desk to check them out.
(warning, the following is probably me just being overly picky, and will probably make no sense to any of you, and you'll just wonder what the big deal is. It's actually not a big deal, but it is something to blog about.)
All the information on the business card is correct except for my job title. It says I'm a "Principle Network and Systems Administrator". Administrator? I don't administrate anything. I'm an senior network engineer, I engineer things. Administrators administrate what the engineers engineer. That's like giving a senior doctor a business card that says "Principle Nurse". Not that nurses aren't important or smart, it just wouldn't be an accurate discription for what the doctor does.
I pointed the title out to my supervisor when I saw him in the hall later, and, in jest, told him my business cards demoted me. He said he'd have the company correct them, but I told him not to worry about it. I mean, I really don't care that much since I didn't ask for them to begin with. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't think I'll be handing them out to anybody though because of the title being wrong. Is that bad?
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happy birthday hubby!!! do you remember this picture from last year? LOL!
no crows this year, i'm sure he was happy about that...
tonight we are starting the celebration at my bro's apartment. this is actually the first time he has us over and he's been there a year already...times flies. he's such a typical bachelor. ;o) i'm excited to get together with his friends and co-workers to watch the lakers game plus play some good ol' rock band. i don't know if i will work up the courage to sign but maybe after a couple vodka tonics with extra limes i will be good to go!
i got hubby a couple outfits and i had a fruit/nut basket mailed to his office this morning. i couldn't pass up embarrassing him since i know how much he hates to let peeps know it's his birthday...lol!
tomorrow we are having friends and family over for a bbq. hope we will all survive the hot weather...ugh!
happy birthday hon, love ya!
Show us your gorgeous eyes.
Submitted by [Susan].
I had a fun idea for Self Portrait Thursday, but just did not do it, so today I tried it. Kind of fun, kind of strange, but that defines me. Fun and strange. Haha.
